kobes | au inbox; crimeboy jakob alvida

corny, english, whatever same thing nah, just trying to make you say you missed me that's all 💓

It is not.

Of course I've missed you. You're my favourite.

if you say so, sweetie. aw. liar. 😘 i missed you too.

Second favourite, then.

Liar, you probably barely remember my face. But I'm glad you're here all the same. It's terribly boring otherwise.

i'm a solid top 3 at least, right? i remember lots of other things about you. awww. getting lonesome? should i send you something to keep you company?

Absolutely.

Flattering things, one hopes.
You should. I'd be very grateful.

mmm my memory might be a little fuzzy. could use a refresher. yeah? how grateful?

As could I.

What do you want?

to see if you remember how to do that insane tongue thing tbh

Oh, yes. I remember how.

That's the benefit of years of practice, my dear.

don't talk about practice unless its with me 😤 or someone i like.

Brat. You're still the most adorable, Koby, I promise.

Then you must provide me an exhaustive list of whom I may fuck, I suppose.

i want that notarized and in writing and idk laminated. deal. top of the list is timmy, obvi, in case u need to get off while i'm making the list~

I'll call my lawyer.

Oh, jesus, his father is here. A right pain in the arse already.

you have a lawyer? good planning ahead. yeah, he is. hot af tho 😍

I'm a doctor and divorced, of course I've got a lawyer.

Distract him for me and I'll buy you something nice.

god, i love a divorcee. so much more glamorous. he hates my guts. so that'll be easy to do.

Have I told you lately that you're very funny?

Why?

yeah, but not nearly enough 😘 I dunno. he's allergic to fun.

You're very funny. And beautiful. And you've a charming accent.

Seems to be going around.

you could keep going, if you wanted~ the only reason he has to hate you is the fact that your dick's been inside his son. grow up, steffie.

Did I mention the stunning arse?

Thank you! And he's no proof of that anyway.

you DIDN'T. quite the omission, doc. awww, flattery will get you anywhere~ what're you doing after dinner?

Well, I'm mentioning it now.

Nothing I can't get out of, if a more interesting opportunity were to present itself.

[and for that, he gets a reward.]

good boy. does that seem more interesting to you?

Edited (i suffer more than jesus) 2025-06-03 01:56 (UTC)

More interesting and more delicious.

good. my room, when the stuffy butler guy calls for dinner.

I'll be there.

good boy. 😘

[ resting atop your pillow: a luxe, cream envelope, your name embossed in gold letters, holding a textured invitation — ]

Hi slut.

[kicking his feet, twirling his hair]

hi, whore 💓 how's the unresolved mommy issues?

She sends her love. How's everyone's favourite Antipodean cumbucket?

dying of a xanax/champagne plane hangover stop using big words when i'm dying, bitch

I know a great cure for hangovers like that.

i'm listening

It's simple. You sit on my dick until you feel better.

i didn't know you were a medical genius mando~ might need a refresher of where i should sit, since you hate me and its been forever 😔😔😔

Someone's been telling you lies. I don't hate you, Koko. 😘 Is Alvida still enjoying her Rothko?

[speaking of unresolved mommy issues--]

you know you're her favorite, babe. hung it in the dining room apparently, replaced the warhol.

Good. The Warhol was a poor reproduction.

Will you be going to this American party tonight?

yeah she got pissy at the guy who made it 🙄 sucks to be him thinking about it the not-president guy's footing the bill for my outfit so why not you?

Please, I can't miss the chance to see the Presidential asshole. I have a bet with Parisa that he bleaches it.

sweetie i know in my heart you're right but that man is a stone cold top nobody's getting near his asshole 😔😔😔

I can only hope. 🙏

It will be fun, anyway. And now I want to see your outfit.

i'll have the sexy priest light a prayer candle 😘 and spoil the surprise? naughty ❤️ i can show you what's underneath, so you know what you're working towards [presidentialslutparty.png]

Delicious. I feel a sudden urge to eat a peach. 😉

You should wear those to meet the sexy priest as well.

i'll save you a bite 😘 think that'll work? you know me, i love undermining the church

Absolutely. I have it on very good authority that he loves pretty things wearing tiny lacy underwear. You'll have him creaming his cassock.

is that from personal experience? also you think i'm preeeeeetty 🥰🥰🥰

Some. He's my brother in law.

[ A beat. ]

Former brother in law.

And yes, Koko, I do think you're pretty. So does the raging hard-on you've given me.

Edited 2025-06-05 15:32 (UTC)

ohhhhhhh 👀👀👀👀👀 amicable split? or messy? promises, promises~ save that for tonight, mando baby, i'll be ready to go after the newlyweds get me warmed up for the party 🥰

Amicable. More or less. They're still talking to each other, so I suppose that means it's only messy on the inside.

best place to put a mess if you ask me 😏 good to know. seen anyone else yet you know?

A few familiar faces. The Balfours seem to know everyone.

Did you spot Hawkins Fuller yet? The tennis pro? What I would give for a night between those thighs.

they sure do. it's kinda weird. oh yeah. ohhhhh yeah 😏 heard he's like a sad tortured widower. he's down BAD for teo tho

Really? Well, I suppose that sometimes you just want something easy.

[ Without a trace of irony. ]

sure hope that's true, otherwise i'm out of a job.

hey slut

you know an fp jones?

are you assuming that just cause a man is hot and older i've had his dick in my mouth??? RUDE. yes, I know him 🙄

obvi.

so he likes twinks. he like anything else special? feet? piss? bunny costumes?

nobody likes bunny costumes actually that's a lie from big rabbit to sell stuff. i dunno. brats, i guess? so you'll do just fine.😘

fantastic 💕

i owe you. you can have coke or info.

info, duh, i brought my own shit.

k anything you wanna know

[a beat.]

who's most likely to invest in alvida's shitty casinos? like, desperate, edge of ruin ready to risk it all?

not me lol

have you hit up the pro athletes? they tend not to be very business savvy, but they have money. that yummy washed up tennis player maybe. or I think there's an olympic diver or swimmer.

hmmmmm and they have money? u sure?

if they didn't, they wouldn't be here.

having a hard time pitching your bullshit, sweetie?

hmmm. good to know. yeah cause its a fundamentally unsound proposal. nobody wants to do business with her and she knows it, so she sends me to try and get it done instead 🙄🙄🙄

unless they're staff, they're loaded. even the ugly ones.

that's the funniest strategy i've ever heard: send a twink to sell it. what is this, boyscout cookies?

tell me one ugly one here, igs, theyre all goddamn models and athletes. i can be very convincing when i wanna be 😏😏😏 made more business deals than she has, anyway.

ok not ugly. average.

you guys suck so bad lol

yeah still no except maybe the stable guys but they have horse riding ass so it doesnt matter!!! bitch i know i am prayinggggg for the downfall of the empire except i'll go down with it lmfao

I dunno I've seen some pretty middle of the road guys wandering around. maybe my standards are just higher.

don't worry, sweetie, you can coast on your looks until you're 25.

yeah well you can afford it, im a trashy bitch and my standards are sentient and breathing hopefully by then ill have trophy twink babytrapped some old guy and can live my sunset years in peace

exactly.

this is a good place to find one. all you need to do is watch and see which ones are deluding themselves into thinking they're loved. they'll put up with anything.

well, there are a few of those running around. seems like saltburnt is the place marriages go to die.

then you know what to do.

love is a lie, Koby. never forget that.

yeah, i know. thanks. one more question: do you know a good hrt hook-up in like switzerland?

switzerland? yeah, actually, I could hook you up. going on the run?

not yet. but i like having a plan or five, just in case.

try not to fuck up so bad here you gotta bolt. 😘

that's the plan, slut 😘

[if he fucks up that bad, he won't need to bolt -- he'll be at the bottom of sydney harbor because alvida can and will make him disappear.

but he's not thinking about that right now.]

that's queen slut to you. i have a crown.

they call those cock rings, baby 😘

You left your underwear in the bathroom.
They’re cute, but not my size.

bold accusations from an olympian how do you know? did you try them on?

Well you did. Unless they’re a gift, but they’re still yours and they still got left behind.

Also, the label tells me all I need to know. Should I try them on? 😉

well considering i leave them all over the place i just cant seem to recall if i left any where you could find them... you should probably try them on and take a photo so i can make sure 🥰

You're a busy guy.

I don't do photos. Bad for the reputation if they get out and I'm going for Olympic gold.

You're welcome to come see for yourself.

ugh your conscientiousness is both deeply hot and annoying 🙄🙄🙄 only if you got them on pink or black? i'm missing one of each

As long as it's deeply hot first. 😏 But I guess you'll have to come see if I have them on.

They're pink. They don't quite fit over my ass.

oh, absolutely, thats pinned to the top of the list, mister olympics most definitely mine i'll come get them once i recover from the tragedy of your ass being thicker than mine

It's the swimming. Don't feel bad.

Besides yours looks like the right size to get my hands on. A perfect fit.

maybe i should learn to swim, then, because damn 👀👀👀 what a coincidence -- i was just thinking your hands are the perfect size for my ass goldilocks situation

I could be convinced to do swim lessons...

But does this mean I have to try two other asses before I find the one that's just right?

That means someone else will see me in pink first.

i'm a shame to aussiekind, i won't be able to show my face if i can't at LEAST learn to doggy paddle

[koby's typed out "no way" before he can think, before he can stop and ask himself why that reaction. why does he care?

after a beat:] i'm sure you got plenty of those lining up for a squeeze, if you WANT but i don't think any will measure up, spoiler warning

I'll make a bet - we'll get you doing more than a doggy paddle by the end of next week.

Spoilers? I got a good look in the shower so I'm inclined to believe you.

If you want to see how these fit, you don't have much time. Or should I come to you? Make a scene of it.

woahhhh, i knew olympians were all "triumph of the human spirit" and stuff but that's a big dream, q. i'll be lucky if i don't sink. there are a lotta hotties here. a LOT. i could be defeated. nooooOOOOOO no no i'm the scene-maker in this roommateship. me. myself. i'm coming, hold on.

I won't let you sink. Again, bad press. Too much paperwork.

But all that aside - are you going to come make a scene or not? I have a few other scene-makers in my inventory. They might even like me in pink, too.

[ what's a little harmless fun among roommates. ]

you must have an incredible lawyer, q. or publicist. or something.

[a huff, then a bellowed:] I said I'm coming! Jesus. [koby tosses his phone onto his bed, ignoring the insistent buzzing (more texts, he's late with an update and she's getting pissy, but christ almighty it's only been a week) and stomping over to the bathroom. he flings open his door, leaves it, clomps over the tile and then yanks open the door to quentin's side.]

Don't say "inventory", you sound like a nerd.

I know a guy.

[ or his dad knows a guy. a guy who has covered up a few things for him, yes, and who has protected q when he didn't know he needed protection. idly he thinks he needs to call his dad - it's been a while. he can't quite remember how long it's been and h̴̺͎̙͑̓͘e̴͇͙͛̚͝ c̵̦͚̈́͛̈́a̴̟͖̝̓̐̈́n̵͇̘̙̿͊͝'̸̢͓̦̐͒̚t̸̼̫̒͛̽͜ r̵̝̺͕̐̿̕e̵̡͓̟͐̓͒m̴̠͍̟̈́̒̐e̸̪͚̦͊͛͑m̸̝̪͆͘b̸͖̟͖͊͋͠e̴̝͎̝͒͌͘r̵̦͓͕͑͆ w̵̼͙͍͑͋͊h̸̢͓̺͑͐̚a̴̘̪͋̔̕t̴̡̻̾͊ h̵͉̟̓͌̈́͜i̵̦͇͒̾͆͜s̴̢͉͔͑̒̿ v̴̞̻͎̀͒̽o̸͉̦̘̓͝i̵͉̠͕͌̐̈́c̸͕̞͐̓̓e̴͉͕̺̾̈́̈́ s̴͕̻͎͋͆̔o̸̺̟͓̔̕͝u̸̼͎̽͑̔͜n̴̺͍͎̓͌̔d̴̞͎̠͛͊͝s̸̫͚͛́̾ l̵͍͎̟̈́̈́̓i̵̺͎̓͒͜k̸̙̞̺̒͌͠e̸̙͉͓̽̓͐ a̵͚͖̟̓̔̔ǹ̸̫̙̻̒̕ý̵̢̦̫͒͠m̵͇̺̻͌͒͒o̵̞̼̟̓̓͝r̸̠̘̈́́͛͜e̵̟͙͓̐̓͝.

but when the clomping of boots begins all the way to the moment those very same boots enter his room, he'll find q standing at his dresser, bent to dig out some kind of tshirt. and sure enough, he's in the pink underwear that fits him too tightly. the bottoms of his ass cheeks peek out, the fabric riding up. who knows what's going on in the front. ]

I've met many, many hot nerds. You say it like it's a bad thing.

Uh-huh. [that’s interesting, and koby should absolutely pursue that a bit more, because knowing about quentin’s dad will inform what he does next, how he approaches this odd little entanglement they’ve found themselves in – yes, the shower had thrown him, the show of something like genuine kindness deeply unnerving, but koby can adjust. he can strategize, he can adapt.

except quentin’s standing there in koby’s underwear, the silk straining over the curve of his ass and koby sort of forgets how to think for a moment. it should be comical, how poorly the pink panties fit, but – it’s not. it’s so, so not.

koby swallows, crossing his arms and resting his hip against the doorframe, like he’s unbothered, like it doesn’t matter what quentin’s wearing.] Now you’re telling on yourself. Where do you hang out where you meet that many nerds?

au inbox; crimeboy jakob alvida

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